paula-b

Is it wrong to still hang on and never give up although someone has broken up with you for the reason that they think they could never fall in love with you?. Is it wrong to think that things could change in future after the other person has had their time of being single and being alone?. Is it wrong to think that I still stand a chance later?.

It was the past Thursday night that it ended. I was foolish to think that things were changing for the better and that we'd be alright...In her mind, she was finding the right time to break up with me. In her heart, she couldn't find any reason to love me. Is love something that you search for and wait for?. Or should you just go with the flow and see what happens later?. I believe that you can't wait for love. I believe that love happens quicker for some, and for others, it takes much longer. It shouldn't be anticipated, for if it is, it will never happen.

Would it be wrong to still be friends with her whilst at the same time, deep in my heart, I am in love with her and I'm holding onto it and I have decided to never give up?...And that we'd be together again later?. She says now, that there isn't any chance right now, not tomorrow, not in future...Could she be telling me this so that I'd let it go?. To give me reason to let go?. Am I in denial?.

I have too many questions...and nothing to answer. I'm hurting so badly. I miss her every second of every day. I think of her constantly, and it pains me to think that someone else could hold her and kiss her and sleep with her...It hurts me and it sickens me.

I'm trying not to think of it. Its proving to be harder than I thought. I want to know how to control my thoughts and feelings so that I would stop torturing myself. I want it to stop...

...that I may have brought myself to a *screeeeeching* halt. Okay, so I quit my old job on Level 7 of Central Park, in favour of a more attractive salary, working for one of the biggest banks in Australia. Sure, I was laughing for a while. Looking back at the sad, sad place that I was once in. I was moving onto greener pastures...Or atleast I thought.

So, it turns out that WankBest is not all it is cracked out to be. It is a horrible place by means of...well...EVERYTHING really. Right from day one, to resigning today. They are the most disorganised, most careless organisation that I have ever been employed by. Maybe 2 out of 10 guest speakers turned up during training (higher ups). After training, we were never advised of our test results, and upon turning up at the call centre, to wait outside as instructed, we ended up waiting downstairs for a full hour and 15 mins...If one of the call centre staff didn't notice that we were waiting a whlie, and got a team leader to come down and bring us upstairs, we would have been waiting there in excess of two hours, me thinks. Hmm. Go figure.

After that, it was bullshit after bullshit. Okay, so, I declared the problems I had with my back (big mistake). I have misaligned discs in my spine. I declared this at the INTERVIEW, so it was BEFORE they gave me the position. They only followed up AFTER I HAD ALREADY COMPLETED TRAINING!!!. So, they put me out of work for a whole week UNPAID all because they think that I didn't declare it right (whereas it was not a problem at my old workplace, it is now at BankWest...PFFFT!). They made me get a letter from my chiro and present it to them, after which they even said that they cannot cater to what my chiro suggested, would help me be a little more comfortable at work!. ARSEHOLES. They let me back to work anyway.

So, after this, I thought things would be fine. No, they weren't. I had ONE good day. Sat down for most of the day with Shannen, and listened to her calls. I felt I was really learning something, because really, I DID NOT LEARN ANYTHING IN TRAINING, neither did any of the inductees!. IT WAS BULLSHIT!. So I went home after having that one good day, and felt that perhaps, things could really work out well for me there. I returned the next day. My team leader expected me to be on phone calls ON THAT DAY, if not, THE FOLLOWING DAY. HOW?????...I DID NOT KNOW ANYTHING!, and she expected me to speak to customers who were trying to close accounts?, I was supposed to make offers and go through their accounts like I knew what was going on?. HELL NO. She even had the nerve to compare me to someone else..." has only been in training for two days, you've been here how long?, she's already on the phones, and you want extra time?". WELLLL...I'm not the one that put me out of work for a whole week WITHOUT PAY, I'm not the one who organises the SHIT TRAINING!.

So, I left early without telling anyone, and today, I sent my resignation.

That was the end of that. I felt relieved...However, I have just landed myself into deep water yet again, because I have no job! w00t. Its soooo like me to be a fucking moron and just leave without first finding a new job. GOOD ON YOU PAULA, you've done it again. lol.

I've been job hunting like crazy :) Still have no job. Possibly will have one by end of today or tomorrow. We'll see.

Well...Can they?. By they, I mean you, me and everyone else in between. Some people say that thinking is far too much a tedious process which, if done too much, would cloud your ability of being able to discover the true answer you seek; Thus, depleting the soul purpose of thinking. "One must think before they act", as it goes.

At this very moment, however, am I also contradicting my very own reason for typing this entry?. Am I thinking too much?. I believe that, perhaps, thinking may also cause for much confusion and further (unneeded) questioning. Will anybody ever get to the bottom of something if they think too much?...Or will they keep pondering, building a mountain of questions to another question, which they fail to try and understand due to the fact that they had thought too much of the previous thought that plagued their minds?. Is it better then, to jump forth without much thought?. Is it better then, to decide on impulse?. I doubt that there is a clear answer to this; And if there were, one would have to spend time to sit and think of whether it is more favourable to process thoughts before an act, or to just blindly act on impulse.

Either way...I THINK, that right now, it is a lot safer to end this entry than to keep typing further, as I am finding myself sinking swiftly in a web of thoughts in confusion...

with great struggle, i fight to search for where i am in this. each day, i ponder on how and when and if. i know it is useless to. with great struggle, i try to swallow the truth that this day may never come. in more ways than one, i force myself to arrive at the worst of all possible findings. through this, i prepare myself for the hardest fall...

...there is no sense in where my heart lies. "a faded kind of mellow"...

Sometimes you feel as though you are suffering so much from your very own choices of action...Yet, sometimes, you feel as though you have done the best thing you could have. Right now...I feel like I've really fucked up. I'm practically homeless...In the sense that I don't have a permanent home. There's always mum's house, but I didn't move back because she put the house on the market...and well...it could sell at anytime. I was meant to move into Tony's, and I did for about a week...But man...John's mess is far too unbearable and well, the house, in general, is always so filthy and not so very live-able. I can't stay in a place like that. Argh. And...I've been staying at Tram's house for almost two months now. I should be paying her rent...And I suppose I will when I start getting paid from Bankwest. I feel like I don't belong anywhere...I have no cusp...No place to really call my own. My surroundings right now are all familiar, but none of it belongs to me. I just want to feel like I'm at home...You know?. Sigh. Even if I move to mum's, I'll still feel like I don't belong there. I suppose, right now, I'm feeling like I want everything back, the way they were, before I broke it off with Bo, just so I can feel that safety and comfort again, of being at home, and not because I want her back. I mean...It would be really nice to feel loved by someone again, 'cos right now, Tram isn't really giving me too much by way of emotion...And because of that, I'm feeling like...MY feelings are being put to a stand-still, where they can't really progress anymore from where they are right now; To me, this is truly sad. I mean, I know Tram and I have only been together for a month and a bit (2 months on the 3rd June), but I think, by now, she should be trying to open up her emotions a little. I don't even know how much she likes me...Its all left a mystery really. Sigh.

I don't know what to do. I just want to feel at home. I want my life back. I've been broke every pay week...and well, I'm not really getting anywhere right now. My credit cards are backed up, and my personal loan, may have to be paid late. These things will stress me out to the maximum not too long from now...I can feel it. I don't have a stable ground to stand on right now, so that will really affect me too. I don't know anymore. Sometimes I'm feeling as though it may just be easier to die. I know...Its a little immature and dark and well...Emo...but really...I think it is such an easy solution and it will be sure to solve everything. Selfish, yeah?. I know its selfish too. Sigh. Left with no other choice but to soldier on and keep moving with the rest of the world. Time won't stop for anybody.

I fail to remember, to allow myself some time to release thoughts and let them run their course thoroughly. I think it is quite important to allow yourself this breathing space to ensure that your heart and mind remain intact and strong. I think perhaps, today, I will embark on a day alone to allow for my mind and soul to rejuvinate and to think my life through and ponder on how exactly it is that I'm feeling about all the things that are happening around me. There's been a lot happening lately, and I suppose I've been so caught up in all of it that I forget to pick myself up and just dust myself off to stand up and keep on going. I need that time to just reach into the depths of me and pick at myself to the point where I will realise all of which is surrounding me and what my connection is with everything.

Well, from today, until Monday 12th, I am officially in no position to work!. I start my new job at BankWest on the 12th...Here's to hoping it all goes well.

Sometimes I think that perhaps words should never leave my mouth. I know I cannot help but express exactly how I feel and what I think, but sometimes, the end receiver does not completely register and understand the true and intended meaning of my heart felt utterance.

I feel gutted. Plainly put...I feel gutted. When you sit there, and you look at the person that means more than just something to you, and you pour your heart out to them the best way you know how...They don't end up just taking it in, and they over-analyze and they twist it and turn it into something completely incorrect...Well, it hurts.

All I wanted was to express that I would like to commit myself to this, and that I am prepared to get serious and be there for her no matter what. I feel completely gutted and rejected. Now, I think that I should never say things or express what my heart sings. Perhaps I take life too seriously?. Who really knows.

Today marks the date of my birth. Today, I am one year older. Today...I am twenty-one years old. What does this signify, apart from the fact that I am no longer twenty, and am now twenty one...

...Each birthday that I have had, I have felt no significance nor any difference what I was previously just the day before. Today was much the same. I thought nothing more of a measly year of age more than yesterday. I felt the same. Nothing had changed, I was still the same person I was just a second before midnight last night. But then, this morning, Marcus commented on a note I made on facebook...

...He made me realise that such an insignificant and tiny number such as "1", meant a world of growth and maturity and the many things I had gone through within the space of one year. All the maturing and growing up I had done...All the good and bad times that had come and gone...This is what one year had brought and left. I am one year wiser. All these things fitted into such a small and feeble number. I guess I have to be thankful that I am still here one year on from one year ago, and that I had survived and had endured and defeated all obstacles that came my way. Life isn't so bad, 'cos today, I have all that I will ever need in the present...My friends, my girlfriend, my family...and ofcourse, a well groomed heart and mind...

...I am twenty-one :)

Questions and uncertainty. Is there any way of throwing yourself into the deep end without possibly drowning?. I suppose you'd have to know how to float or swim, before being sure as to whether you will survive or not. There will always come a time whereby you have to decide, and decide smartly. There can't be such a thing as thinking quick, because to me, thinking is a word that would impose some form of time consumption - Lengthy time consumption...

...Think about what, though?. Well...We have to have to really face that at some point in each relationship, will come a time where things have to get a little serious. You know...a lot of fun to be had to start with, and ofcourse, that can continue...BUT...Issues or proposals will arise that may or may not concern living arrangements, questions of love, commitment...etc. All those things that we go through...I think this bridge possibly needs to be crossed soon. I don't want to push for anything and I am fine with having things the way they are, or, taking it a bit further. I don't hold the cards in this one though. I am open to many things, and I am a little more carefree. I suppose this helps in that, I am forced to think a little more carefully and run the scenario through my head 2 or three times over, or enough to draw a very reasonable conclusion.

In all honesty, I do not know where this is headed. Like most people, I want a long lasting partnership, where I can share everything with the person I am with. You know the scary old word..."commitment". Yeah. I want that. Believe it or not. But umm...I'm just going with the flow for now. I'm comfortable where this is sitting at the moment. If it goes further, I will also be very happy.

But the predicament (not so sure if it can be called one?) is...Living arrangements. Tony and I are moving in together. And hey, the lady is in the picture too...Its complicated. There are "what ifs" involved. What if we break up? What would happen then if we all live together?. That kinda thing. I dont like thinking that far ahead. It ruins things now. But thats okay, shes only being careful which i cannot blame her for. Its actually very smart.

This is hurting my head. i will go :)

What is this ailment that befalls me?. After having such a fun time in the morning in bed with Tram, I get up and suddenly my head starts to spin violently. I thought it was just one of those normal moments where you get up far too quickly...But no. That was around 8.30am. Now, it is past mid-day and I am still dizzy. My head still spins and I cannot look down as that is when it is most unsettling and sickly. I want to go to the doctor, and lucky me, it is a public holiday. It will most likely be difficult to find a free appointment. I called Noranda medical and they are fully booked. They referred me to a place in Mt. Lawley, however, it costs $80, no bulk-billing and no appointment setting - they serve on the fly, first come first serve basis.

I just wish it would go away. All I can really do is sit up as still as possible, or lay down and sleep. My eyes sort of feel un-focused. Kind of like one of those stick on eyes that you can buy from a craft shop, and you stick them on your sock puppet...The black pupils inside kind of just wobble about freely?...Yeah thats how my eyes feel.

So its now 1.19pm...I have just had a bowl and a half of Tram's minced beef porridge. It was truly wonderful. Made me feel better in terms of my cough and cold, however, the dizziness/head spins still remain. I really do not know how to get rid of it or if it is even possible to do so. I hope it goes away soon, otherwise, if it keeps going until night, I may just have to go to the over-priced doctors surgery in Mt. Lawley. I shall go now, I will try to keep myself occupied in hopes of having this annoying disability go away.